Okay, so it’s not really a secret. But it’s something that many, many of us have to be reminded of on a regular basis.
The key to leading your own life–on your own terms–is owning your choices and making choices every day that align with who you want to be in the world, what you want to accomplish and what your priorities are.
Often women are reluctant to really step fully into a leadership role, both personally and professionally. But when you do–when you embrace the fact that you are a strong, competent, knowing, loving, creative woman–you look at your life choices from a more strategic, big picture vantage point.
Are you getting caught up in the day-to-day details to the point that you can’t see the forest from the trees anymore?
Do you find yourself feeling like you don’t have the time, energy or money to do the things you say you want to do?
Are you making choices out of default or habit, not really thinking about whether they serve your highest good?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, there’s a good chance that you are not fully owning your leadership role in your life.
Quick Tips to Jumpstart Your Life Leadership TODAY!
Take a few moments to write down your top 3 priorities at this point in your life.
Now list 2-3 goals or things you’d like to focus on within those areas (they could even be feelings you’d like to foster).
Close your eyes and imagine yourself floating up in a hot-air balloon. As you go higher and higher, look down on your life below as it is today. Do a check-in as to what you see. What’s working? What’s not working? Consider whether this vision of life, as it is today, supports the priorities, goals and feelings you indicated earlier.
Stay hoovered above a bit longer, take some deep breaths and ask yourself, “What choices do I have before me that I could start making now to move my life vision closer to where I want it to be?”
Sit and listen to your heart, inner guiadance and Higher Spirit for a bit and then immediately right down what feels clear, present and meaningful to you.
Remember, life is about choices. YOU have control over YOUR choices. If you are making excuses for choices that you are making that aren’t working for you, you are the only person who can change that.
Want support in becoming the leader in your own life? Contact mewith your questions or comments, or to schedule a Life Leadership coaching session.
We’ve all heard the saying before, and yet for some reason it’s so easy to forget this truth when we are busy parents.
Don’t get me wrong, I believe words speak volumes as well. However, when it comes to our most important relationships—with our spouse, our children, those we work with and for, and those who work for us—the most powerful influence is when our beliefs (what we think), words (what we say) and our actions (what we do) are aligned.
Take my children for example. I’ve been aware lately that my actions do not necessarily always communicate that which I believe is important and say to others is important—for me, my children and my family. I’ve been thinking about the fact that if my children just went by my actions (or modeling) alone they could easily be picking up on some not-so-great habits, such as:
Always putting others first, even when you are exhausted and have nothing more to give.
Expressing frustration and resentment when you keep giving to others, even when you have nothing to give.
Not taking time for self-care, such as showering, exercising, eating right and quiet time alone.
Emailing/Tweeting/Texting on the computer or phone instead of being present with whom and what is around you.
Procrastinating on that which you know needs to get done in order for life to run smoother and be more enjoyable.
Trying to do too much on your own and all at the same time.
Not clearly communicating or clarifying expectations with those around you, but then being frustrated and resentful when the expectations are not met.
Wow, as I see those in writing and contemplate how I would feel if my own children (especially my daughters) picked up these habits from my modeling, my heart sinks.
If I believe self-care is important and necessary in order to be a healthy and happy woman, what actions would model that for my children?
If I believe that taking care of myself is important so I can better care for others, what actions would model that for my children?
If I believe that it is important to be present in our relationships and spend some time each day giving our undivided attention to our key relationships—with self, spouse, children, work team—what actions would model that for my children?
If I believe that creating structure and routines around my day supports me in reaching my goals and being the type of person I want to BE in world (content, peaceful, present & productive), what actions would model that for my children?
Coaches Corner:
Think about modeling in terms of your life. Take a few minutes to reflect as to what you are currently modeling for your children in terms of the most important areas of your life: self-care, relationships, money, career, inner peace, etc.
If your children learned just from your actions alone, what not-so-great (i.e. bad) habits would they be picking up?
What are you saying to them through your actions (or inactions)?
How would you feel if your children started doing (or not doing) these same things–tomorrow, five years from now or when they are adults?
Ever have one of those days (maybe even weeks) when you feel like you are just barely holding on. Just barely holding it all together. Just on the verge of losing it. Afraid that if you just let your guard down for one moment that the flood-gates will open, chaos will implode, and you will never be able to pick up the pieces?
When you are in SUPER WOMAN mode–taking care of the kids; managing the house; trying to be a loving wife; oh, and running and leading a business–it’s easy for your guard to go up, your emotions to go numb, and your drive to hold it all together to kick into high gear.
How do I know this? Um….been there. Like, yesterday.
After five days of my in-laws in town at the same time that my husband was in the middle of a big work project, my own work projects in progress, the baby teething and then getting a cold and then finally me getting a cold, I was done. D. O. N. E. DONE. I needed a break. I wanted to just let go of all responsibilities, even for just a few short hours.
But the voice of perfectionism and guilt and self-judgement jumped in and told me that I should’t be exhausted, I shouldn’t be anxious, I shouldn’t be needing a break. Instead, I should keep going, I should clean the house, I should get more work done, I should make a home-made meal, I should do the dishes. Should…should…should.
Sometimes the pressure to do it all and do it all well and to keep it all together (actually, more like LOOK like I have it all together) becomes so intense that I fear if I really just admit how I am feeling, if I give way to my emotions even just a bit, if I get pushed just a little bit more, that all hell is going to break loose.
What will happen if I fall apart? What will happen if I take a mental (self-love) day? What will happen if I don’t make dinner tonight? What will happen if I tell a client I need to push back some deliverables or move a meeting? What will happen if I just stop, even for a few hours, and not DO anything?
What will happen? Life will go on. My kids will be just fine. My husband will understand. My business will still be successful. My friends will love me even more for being real and honest and not perfect.
So let this be a reminder that as we practice masterfully blending career and kids, life and love, work and play, that it’s okay for it to not always be pretty or perfect or complete. It’s okay to tell others that you’ve had enough. That you need a break. That juggling and blending and balancing work you love and a family you adore can be challenging and messy and exhausting. Share that side with those around you so that they can support you when you need a break from holding it all together.
Listen as my 4-year-old co-host, Lindsay Taggart, and I discuss creating her job chart to help her take ownership of her morningtime, dinnertime and bedtime “jobs” so I can stop nagging her and help decrease the stress (and tears) in our house. (You may want to listen to this with your child. It’s a quick 10 minute segment. See the sample chart hereso you can make your own with your child after you listen.)
I LOVED doing this with her! We had so much fun and afterwards she asked when we could be on TV! Anything is possilbe, Lindsay…anything is possible!
What a fun cookbook this is! Being a busy, working mom means getting yummy foods on the table and into my family’s mouths can be an on-going challenge.
As I’ve shared before, my husband and I set a menu for each week and shop only one time a week for our groceries. A common question in our house each week is, “What should we add to the menu?” We are constantly looking for new, easy, affordable recipes to try out.
I was thrilled to get my hands on a copy of this new cookbook by Lara Starr (with Lynette Shirk). Not only does the book, The Frugal Foodie Cookbook: Waste-Not Recipes for the Wise Cook, have some great recipes, but the entire book is written with the idea of saving money in mind. This is even more important during these economic times when many people are shopping on a budget. We’ve actually turned it into a game to see how we can reduce our weekly grocery bill and this cookbook has some helpful ideas on how to make that happen. And the best part is that the recipes are good enough for a foodie! From Mushroom and Goat Cheese Pizza to Tout le Fruit Crisp, these recipes are beyond basic mac & cheese or chicken casserole.
I love Chapter 7, Clever Kids’ Meals. There are a number of fun, easy ideas, including Edible Finger Paints and Kaleidoscope Popcorn (we made green!). I am not the most creative when it comes to meals or activities for the kids, so this is great for someone like me who needs some ideas to get my juices flowing.
This is my first reader give-away! The publisher sent me an extra copy of the book, The Frugal Foodie: Waste-Not Recipes for the Wise Cook, to give away to one lucky winner. All you have to do is post a comment about what your biggest challenge is when it comes to feeding your family. I’ll be randomly choosing a winner at 5:00 p.m. PT on Thursday, December 31, 2009.
Today’s audio blog message is based on the previous blog entry, Calming the Chaos of the Season, in which I share some tips for doing less and being more this time of year.
Don’t think you have time to listen? Remember, it’s only 15 minutes long. Perfect for the busy mom. Take a few minutes just for you!
I am a compassionate person. I know I am. If my best friend called me right now and told me about the frustrations of her day or her insecurities about herself as a mother or business professional, I’d be the first to tell her I know she’s doing an excellent job — the best she can — and that she is being too hard on herself.
But today was one of those days when having compassion for myself was not so easy. In fact, I have a whole long list of things I should or shouldn’t have done.
I shouldn’t have let me daughter watch so much TV.
I should have come up with a creative project to do with my daughter.
I should have interacted more with the baby.
I shouldn’t have laid down for that 20 minute nap.
I should have been more focused during the brief amount of time I had for work.
I shouldn’t have eaten that pumpkin bread…or those cookies…or the rest of my daughter’s cookie.
I should have written a blog entry yesterday, and the day before, and the day before.
I shouldn’t have spent that money on the pumpkin bread and cookie we didn’t need.
I should have made a better dinner.
I should have gotten the house tidied up.
Ok, you get the picture. I’ve been “shoulding” on myself all day long. Not to mention I haven’t been cutting myself any slack. And what I have found is that I am not alone.
I was talking with a high-level executive with a large company the other day who was beating herself up for all that she hasn’t done in her job over the past year since having twins. She returned from maternity leave with the plan to be SUPERMOM. She would continue operating in her fast-paced position as she had before kids, while at the same time being the perfect mom and wife. Not surprisingly, she was completely overwhelmed and feeling terrible about where she was in her career.
Although we identified some concrete steps for her to take to communicate honestly with her boss about how she was feeling, regain her focus in her current job, potentially begin looking for a new job that was more family-friendly and she enjoyed more, the first thing I asked her to do was have some compassion for herself. She had survived the first year of life with twins and was feeling good about her role as a mother and still had a strong marriage to speak of. She’s obviously been doing some things right and, I am convinced, doing the best she could.
When I asked her what she would tell her best friend if she had been in the same situation, she knew immediately that she would tell her she’s been doing a great job and that perhaps she has too high of expectations for herself.
So why is it that we can so easily and effortlessly provide compassion for those around us, but not for ourselves?
I work with women who are high-achieving, successful, productive, competent, professional and driven. Up until the point they have kids, these qualities have gotten them where they are in their career. Once they have kids, these qualities don’t just go away. In fact, for many, they intensify. The expectations and standards we put on ourselves in both our professional lives and our personal lives are at a level so high that we either feel like we are failing if we aren’t meeting them or we are overwhelmed and exhausted if we are (or at least trying to).
Tonight I am practicing compassion…on myself. My husband can tell me until he’s blue in the fact how great of job he thinks I am doing (which I appreciate) and I know that if I called my best friend right now and told her about my day she would also have compassion. But most importantly is that I cut myself some slack. I know that if I did (or didn’t do) all those things I listed above day after day that I would not be where I want to be in life. But I also know that it’s okay to have a day when the TV is on more and you aren’t as interested in playing with the kids and the dinner is just a simple meal on the table and you don’t get done more for work and you eat some sweets and the house doesn’t look so clean.
Tomorrow is a new day and I am doing the best I can. Now it’s time to cut myself some slack with a glass of wine!
Tips for practicing compassion in your own life:
Consider whether you are trying to be SUPERMOM and what exactly that looks like to you. Is it time to redefine success in your life and create an image of SUPERMOM that is much more manageable (and fun)?
When you find yourself beating yourself up for something you did or didn’t do, ask yourself, “Is there anything I can do about it now?” If not, move on. If so, make a plan to do it different from that point on.
Determine whether the thing (or things) you are beating yourself up for are every-once-in-awhile things or actual bad habits that you want to change. If they are habits you want to change, make a plan and ask for help in sticking to it.
Play the “what would I say to my best friend” game. If you find you would be understanding and compassionate to your best friend if they were in the same situation then you know you are being too hard on yourself.
Consider what you are modeling for your kids. If you don’t cut yourself any slack then don’t be surprised if you notice your own children being extra hard on themselves.
I’d love to hear your thoughts about being compassionate with yourself. Do you find it easy or challenging? Any additional tips on how to practice more self compassion?
************************ Want tips for calming the chaos at home?
Simply provide your name and email in the box at the upper left of the blog homepage and you will immediately have access to 20 tips for busy, professional moms to be feel more present and productive, at both work and home.
There seems to be a reoccurring theme amongst the working moms I’ve been talking with these days. Seems as if a number of us are feeling the intense pressure of trying to do it all, and do it all with very high expectations of ourselves.
I’ll admit it. I found myself wishing for a pause button earlier this week as I was in tears saying to my husband that I just can’t do it all. Yep. Even I, the coach who helps moms in business decrease their stress so they can feel more successful at work and home, is admitting that I have moments when I feel overwhelmed and under-appreciated.
Here are three steps to help turn those moments of complete anxiety into opportunities for a reprieve.
1) Allow the feelings, without judgement. You feel the way you feel. There may or may not be rationale reasons. Although there may be. Yes, you may be PMSing or exhausted from being up with the baby at night, but that doesn’t mean that how you feel isn’t legitimate and warranted. Yes, women do it all the time — many making it all look seamless and easy, but I can guarantee that they too have times when they feel like it’s all just too much. It’s how you feel. That’s enough. And allowing the feeling of anxiety and overwhelm to move through (and out) of your body will actually feel better in the end. Trying hard to keep it “under control” or judging that it’s bad only makes it worse.
2) Accept and honor your role as the mother. Let’s be honest. There is a reason why women are the moms. We think differently, feel differently, respond differently, and we all have a very wise mother within (some are able to access theirs a bit easier then others) who knows on a very intuitive level what our kids need. This is an honorable role. This role also comes with tremendous responsibility (and often-times feeling of burden). Your husband can not fill or match that role. Neither can your child care provider, child’s teacher or your mother-in-law. I find that when I can honor and truly accept the role of THE MOM instead of wishing it were different or feeling resentful that my husband just doesn’t understand, I feel much more empowered and positive.
3) Get clear about what you need and then ASK for it. If you are lucky enough to have a husband such as I do who will actually ask you what you need to get through the tough times — the times when you just want to push the pause button, please, on motherhood – you better be ready to answer. If you aren’t directly asked, you can still get what you need by knowing and asking those around you for help. Whether it’s a day at home with no one else in the house, thirty minutes to walk in the sun, additional child care support during the week, a weekend without worrying about meals (I could go on and on with ideas…), you have to be willing to ask (and receive) for the time to take a pause from being *on* all the time.
It’s okay to want a break sometimes from “doing it all”. We can have it all without having to DO it all ourselves. It’s important that we put down the SUPERMOM cape every-so-often and crumble under the pressure (or better yet, take the breaks before we crumble). We are only human and sometimes trying to manage it all — even with the best husband, the sweetest kids, the perfect job — can just feel like too much.
One thing that having a new baby has taught me is to take the moments when I am nursing or he is sleeping in my arms to just enjoy the time and relax. I have found that the more focused I get on what I could be getting done instead or what I am not getting done, the more anxious and stressed I get. When I let go and take the time as the gift it is and just relax and be present, I feel much, much better.
We just got back from a few days in the Russian River area for a mini family vacation. My husband and I both agreed to keep the trip “technology free” as much as possible. For us this meant no laptop, no Facebooking or Tweeting and no email. We both had our phones with us and we both caught each other checking them a couple times, but for the most part we were “unplugged.”
What I noticed during this time was initially a bit of uncomfortableness. Sounds silly, but I had to continue to give myself permission to relax and be okay with not necessarily doing anything or being plugged into anything. I almost felt guilty not having anything that I had to do. Just sitting on the back deck under the Redwood trees, sipping a glass of wine and listening to the kids play in the yard was enough, and yet sometimes it didn’t feel like enough.
I was thrilled to have this Zen Habitspost sent to me by my sister-in-law when I returned. It goes to show that I am not the only one who could use some practice in relaxing (and enjoying the relaxing) a bit more.
Some suggested steps on how to relax more from Zen Habits:
Take 5 minutes to go outside for a walk. Breathe the fresh air.
Give yourself more time to do things. More time means less rush.
After work, get outside, take in nature, run around if you can.
Now we are back home and I am committed to continuing to blend the Art of Productivity with the Art of Relaxing. For life is most enjoyable when you are able to experience and enjoy both.
Coaches Corner:
Are you focused too much on productivity and could use a dose of relaxation in your life?
Are you so focused on what needs to get done that you are neglecting the Art of Relaxation in your own life?
When you think about relaxing for a bit, what thoughts and emotions come up for you?
I challenge you to consciously relax this week. Use some of the tips from Zen Habitsor come up with your own ideas and see how it feels.
************************ Want more tips for calming the chaos at home?
Simply provide your name and email in the box at the upper left and you will immediately have access to 20 tips for busy, professional moms to be feel more present and productive, at both work and home.
I talk a lot with clients about the benefits of creating structure in their lives through schedules and routines, both personally and professionally, in order to achieve their goals and live the type of life that supports less stress and greater success.
Honestly, it’s what I am good at. Give me an area of your life where you are struggling, share with me your vision for how you’d like it to be, and I will help you create the structure (i.e. schedules and routines) to achieve your desired outcome.
On a personal note, one thing that I have clearly been reminded during these past six weeks with a new baby is the distinct difference between a schedule and a routine. They are related, but they are not the same.
A schedule is focused on a specific period of time; either minutes, hours, days, weeks or months. Think about going to a meeting or conference. When you get the agenda, you receive a plan for the event that is tied to very specific times. You will talk or hear about this topic at this time of the day. The schedule gives you structure day so you can then know and plan your day based on when you need to be where at what time.
A routine is focused not on specific times, but rather on a series of tasks. These tasks may be tied to a schedule (i.e. specific times), but they don’t have to be. Routines are what we create around the everyday elements of our life. Think about your routine for getting ready for bed. Most likely you have a certain series of tasks that you complete each night before you go to bed, regardless of whether it’s at 9 p.m. or 11 p.m.
My bedtime routine consists of turning off lights, locking doors, using the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth, getting into my pajamas and then checking on the kids one last time before I get into bed. This is pretty much the same night after night. The routine is predictable and has become second nature; I don’t have to think about it much and the times that I complete the tasks vary somewhat night to night.
Because I like to create schedules and routines and it comes very naturally for me, I found myself almost immediately trying to create them around my life with a newborn.
Let me tell you, trying to apply a schedule at this stage is a recipe for frustration. Having a new baby turns every schedule you had upside down. In the face of that chaos, I tried to take some control by creating new ones.
Problem is that a newborn is not necessarily going to cooperate with your plans.
As much as I’d like to say that the baby naps at these times and eats at these times so that I have a better sense of structure in my life these days, it’s just not reasonable to expect this to happen.
Instead, I am now taking the cues from the six week old and keeping track of what natural routine is emerging for him. I have learned that his tendency is to sleep, eat and then be awake for a bit before starting the routine again. How long he does each of these and what times of the day he does them is all over the place.
The schedule will come and I have to remind myself to be patient and enjoy the unpredictability of life without one for the time being.
Coaches Corner:
Think about the difference between schedules and routines in your own life. When is a schedule appropriate (perhaps your morning routine needs to be on a certain schedule in order to get your kids to school and you to work by a certain time)? What times can you be more focused on the routine, but not attach the tasks to a specific time-frame (perhaps you create a routine with your family around dinnertime, but you allow for flexibility around time to allow for the variations in each person’s days and plans)?
Creating structure through schedules and routines is supposed to make life easier, smoother and more enjoyable. If you find yourself getting frustrated by self-imposed schedules and timeframes, re-evaluate the purpose and see if letting go of the specifics around times or changing the sequence of tasks will decrease the stress so you can experience more success.
************************ Want more tips for calming the chaos at home?
Simply provide your name and email in the box at the upper left and you will immediately have access to 20 tips for busy, professional moms to be feel more present and productive, at both work and home.
What a fun cookbook this is! Being a busy, working mom means getting yummy foods on the table and into my family’s mouths can be an on-going challenge.