I am a compassionate person. I know I am. If my best friend called me right now and told me about the frustrations of her day or her insecurities about herself as a mother or business professional, I’d be the first to tell her I know she’s doing an excellent job — the best she can — and that she is being too hard on herself.

But today was one of those days when having compassion for myself was not so easy. In fact, I have a whole long list of things I should or shouldn’t have done.

• I shouldn’t have let me daughter watch so much TV.
• I should have come up with a creative project to do with my daughter.
• I should have interacted more with the baby.
• I shouldn’t have laid down for that 20 minute nap.
• I should have been more focused during the brief amount of time I had for work.
• I shouldn’t have eaten that pumpkin bread…or those cookies…or the rest of my daughter’s cookie.
• I should have written a blog entry yesterday, and the day before, and the day before.
• I shouldn’t have spent that money on the pumpkin bread and cookie we didn’t need.
• I should have made a better dinner.
• I should have gotten the house tidied up.

Ok, you get the picture. I’ve been “shoulding” on myself all day long. Not to mention I haven’t been cutting myself any slack. And what I have found is that I am not alone.

I was talking with a high-level executive with a large company the other day who was beating herself up for all that she hasn’t done in her job over the past year since having twins. She returned from maternity leave with the plan to be SUPERMOM. She would continue operating in her fast-paced position as she had before kids, while at the same time being the perfect mom and wife. Not surprisingly, she was completely overwhelmed and feeling terrible about where she was in her career.

Although we identified some concrete steps for her to take to communicate honestly with her boss about how she was feeling, regain her focus in her current job, potentially begin looking for a new job that was more family-friendly and she enjoyed more, the first thing I asked her to do was have some compassion for herself. She had survived the first year of life with twins and was feeling good about her role as a mother and still had a strong marriage to speak of. She’s obviously been doing some things right and, I am convinced, doing the best she could.

When I asked her what she would tell her best friend if she had been in the same situation, she knew immediately that she would tell her she’s been doing a great job and that perhaps she has too high of expectations for herself.

So why is it that we can so easily and effortlessly provide compassion for those around us, but not for ourselves?

I work with women who are high-achieving, successful, productive, competent, professional and driven. Up until the point they have kids, these qualities have gotten them where they are in their career. Once they have kids, these qualities don’t just go away. In fact, for many, they intensify. The expectations and standards we put on ourselves in both our professional lives and our personal lives are at a level so high that we either feel like we are failing if we aren’t meeting them or we are overwhelmed and exhausted if we are (or at least trying to).

Tonight I am practicing compassion…on myself. My husband can tell me until he’s blue in the fact how great of job he thinks I am doing (which I appreciate) and I know that if I called my best friend right now and told her about my day she would also have compassion. But most importantly is that I cut myself some slack. I know that if I did (or didn’t do) all those things I listed above day after day that I would not be where I want to be in life. But I also know that it’s okay to have a day when the TV is on more and you aren’t as interested in playing with the kids and the dinner is just a simple meal on the table and you don’t get done more for work and you eat some sweets and the house doesn’t look so clean.

Tomorrow is a new day and I am doing the best I can. Now it’s time to cut myself some slack with a glass of wine!

Tips for practicing compassion in your own life:

1. Consider whether you are trying to be SUPERMOM and what exactly that looks like to you. Is it time to redefine success in your life and create an image of SUPERMOM that is much more manageable (and fun)?
2. When you find yourself beating yourself up for something you did or didn’t do, ask yourself, “Is there anything I can do about it now?” If not, move on. If so, make a plan to do it different from that point on.
3. Determine whether the thing (or things) you are beating yourself up for are every-once-in-awhile things or actual bad habits that you want to change. If they are habits you want to change, make a plan and ask for help in sticking to it.
4. Play the “what would I say to my best friend” game. If you find you would be understanding and compassionate to your best friend if they were in the same situation then you know you are being too hard on yourself.
5. Consider what you are modeling for your kids. If you don’t cut yourself any slack then don’t be surprised if you notice your own children being extra hard on themselves.

I’d love to hear your thoughts about being compassionate with yourself. Do you find it easy or challenging? Any additional tips on how to practice more self compassion?

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