Trying to force yourself into someone else’s box or path is a sure-fire way to squelch your creativity. Yes, there’s lots of great information out in the world on any topic you choose (life, love, career, business, kids, etc.), but so often I find that women get caught up in trying to find all the answers from others and feel they should ”do it” the way someone else says it should be done.
This short audio blog discusses the topic of creativity and how you can use what you learn from others to either inspire or limit it.
Okay, so it’s not really a secret. But it’s something that many, many of us have to be reminded of on a regular basis.
The key to leading your own life–on your own terms–is owning your choices and making choices every day that align with who you want to be in the world, what you want to accomplish and what your priorities are.
Often women are reluctant to really step fully into a leadership role, both personally and professionally. But when you do–when you embrace the fact that you are a strong, competent, knowing, loving, creative woman–you look at your life choices from a more strategic, big picture vantage point.
Are you getting caught up in the day-to-day details to the point that you can’t see the forest from the trees anymore?
Do you find yourself feeling like you don’t have the time, energy or money to do the things you say you want to do?
Are you making choices out of default or habit, not really thinking about whether they serve your highest good?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, there’s a good chance that you are not fully owning your leadership role in your life.
Quick Tips to Jumpstart Your Life Leadership TODAY!
Take a few moments to write down your top 3 priorities at this point in your life.
Now list 2-3 goals or things you’d like to focus on within those areas (they could even be feelings you’d like to foster).
Close your eyes and imagine yourself floating up in a hot-air balloon. As you go higher and higher, look down on your life below as it is today. Do a check-in as to what you see. What’s working? What’s not working? Consider whether this vision of life, as it is today, supports the priorities, goals and feelings you indicated earlier.
Stay hoovered above a bit longer, take some deep breaths and ask yourself, “What choices do I have before me that I could start making now to move my life vision closer to where I want it to be?”
Sit and listen to your heart, inner guiadance and Higher Spirit for a bit and then immediately right down what feels clear, present and meaningful to you.
Remember, life is about choices. YOU have control over YOUR choices. If you are making excuses for choices that you are making that aren’t working for you, you are the only person who can change that.
Want support in becoming the leader in your own life? Contact mewith your questions or comments, or to schedule a Life Leadership coaching session.
Is there something within you that is feeling called to take a leap, make a change or step out in the world in a bigger way? It’s so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day details of life, to focus on what’s not working and simply complain about it to others instead of doing something to make things better.
I recently found this inspiring video that serves as a reminder to follow that calling and take that step. Even if you don’t know exactly what you are being called to do or where the step is leading you, trust that you are heading in the right direction and that as you head down the authentic and courageous path of that calling, you will feel inspired and fulfilled like you could never imagine.
I had a great conversation with Phoenix Ries, a licensed professional counselor (and my step-mom!) who has 30 years of experience working with children and parents, as we discussed the gift you give your children, your family and yourself when you apply age-appropriate structure and routines to your childrens’ lives. We talked about the top three signs that you probably don’t have enough structure or the right structure for your children and what the long-term negative affects this can have on children as they get older.
Today’s audio blog message is based on the previous blog entry, Calming the Chaos of the Season, in which I share some tips for doing less and being more this time of year.
Don’t think you have time to listen? Remember, it’s only 15 minutes long. Perfect for the busy mom. Take a few minutes just for you!
During this time of year, it is common to hear people comment about needing to “just get through” the holidays due to the added stress of shopping, decorating, planning, attending and hosting parties, family visiting and traveling. But what about focusing more on enjoying the holidays and less on “getting through” them?
Before things get too crazy, consider 10 tips for calming the chaos of the season so that you can enjoy the holidays more and stress less.
1. Slow down. Have you been one to say, “I just need to get through this month?” If so, stop what you are doing right now and think about how that feels. Slow the pace down, even just a bit, and recognize that you have control over how the next month goes.
2. Breathe. Now that you’ve decided to slow down, it’s important that you actually breathe. Whenever you feel the pressure increase or the negative thinking appear, take three deep breaths and remember that you get to choose whether these days feel crazy or enjoyable.
3. Get clear about what the purpose of the season is for you. Is it to give gifts or get gifts? Is it to honor your religious traditions? To connect with family and friends? To rejoice in life? Connect to what this time of year really means to you. Hold that purpose in the forefront of your mind as you make decisions about what gifts to buy for whom and which events to say yes to attending.
4. Set your intention as to how you want to BE this season. Now that you know what the purpose of the season is for you, declare how you want to be. Do you want to be joyful, peaceful, inspired, or connected? Or do you want to be stressed, grumpy, frazzled, or distracted? There may be some family or work obligations that you feel you just can’t say no to. However, you can choose how you will show up and what you will put out into the world. Choose wisely, as we attract what we project.
5. Focus more on the “I want to’s” and less on the “I should do’s”. Many of us operate out of obligation, whether we know it or not. Make a list of all the things on your plate this month. Next to each item mark whether you really want to do it or you think you should do it. If you don’t like to do it and you don’t want to do it, challenge yourself to strike it from your list.
6. Simplify. You don’t have to do it all; and you don’t have to do it all perfectly. Streamline your plans; shorten your gift-giving list; ask for help; eliminate the excess.
7. Set gift-giving guidelines. This goes hand-in-hand with the idea of simplifying. When you figure out what you want to do and determine how you are going to go about doing it, you simplify the entire gift-giving process. Agree with the relatives that you will exchange only one toy per child. Discuss the idea of doing something with family instead of exchanging gifts that no one wants. Determine how much money you want to spend based on your budget before you begin shopping. Go in with a plan and the process will feel easier and more enjoyable.
8. Shoot for connection, not perfection. When we get caught up in doing it “just so” we all too often are focused on the wrong things. Whether you are decorating the tree, making a holiday meal with your mother-in-law, picking out gifts, or ordering the holiday cards, what is important is the connection you are making with the person or people involved. Let your child hang the ornament wherever he likes, use the time in the kitchen to ask your mother-in-law about her youth, pick out a gift for someone from your heart, and consider what you want those receiving your holiday card to feel when they open it. Whether any of those things turn out perfect is less important then the memory you are creating and the relationship you are nurturing.
9. Give a gift to yourself. This is the season for caring, sharing, and loving. Why not turn a bit of that in your own direction? Instead of waiting for someone else to get you the perfect gift, why not give it to yourself? I am not talking about a material gift, although maybe that would be nice as well. Instead, I am talking about the gift of time. Give yourself some time to slow down, breath, relax, and rejuvenate. It’s the gift that will keep on giving as you will feel more positive and energetic and better able to enjoy the holidays.
10. And did I mention slow down and breathe?
***This is a re-post of an article written and shared in previous years. Since I get such a positive response each time, I thought it was worth offering again.
I am a compassionate person. I know I am. If my best friend called me right now and told me about the frustrations of her day or her insecurities about herself as a mother or business professional, I’d be the first to tell her I know she’s doing an excellent job — the best she can — and that she is being too hard on herself.
But today was one of those days when having compassion for myself was not so easy. In fact, I have a whole long list of things I should or shouldn’t have done.
I shouldn’t have let me daughter watch so much TV.
I should have come up with a creative project to do with my daughter.
I should have interacted more with the baby.
I shouldn’t have laid down for that 20 minute nap.
I should have been more focused during the brief amount of time I had for work.
I shouldn’t have eaten that pumpkin bread…or those cookies…or the rest of my daughter’s cookie.
I should have written a blog entry yesterday, and the day before, and the day before.
I shouldn’t have spent that money on the pumpkin bread and cookie we didn’t need.
I should have made a better dinner.
I should have gotten the house tidied up.
Ok, you get the picture. I’ve been “shoulding” on myself all day long. Not to mention I haven’t been cutting myself any slack. And what I have found is that I am not alone.
I was talking with a high-level executive with a large company the other day who was beating herself up for all that she hasn’t done in her job over the past year since having twins. She returned from maternity leave with the plan to be SUPERMOM. She would continue operating in her fast-paced position as she had before kids, while at the same time being the perfect mom and wife. Not surprisingly, she was completely overwhelmed and feeling terrible about where she was in her career.
Although we identified some concrete steps for her to take to communicate honestly with her boss about how she was feeling, regain her focus in her current job, potentially begin looking for a new job that was more family-friendly and she enjoyed more, the first thing I asked her to do was have some compassion for herself. She had survived the first year of life with twins and was feeling good about her role as a mother and still had a strong marriage to speak of. She’s obviously been doing some things right and, I am convinced, doing the best she could.
When I asked her what she would tell her best friend if she had been in the same situation, she knew immediately that she would tell her she’s been doing a great job and that perhaps she has too high of expectations for herself.
So why is it that we can so easily and effortlessly provide compassion for those around us, but not for ourselves?
I work with women who are high-achieving, successful, productive, competent, professional and driven. Up until the point they have kids, these qualities have gotten them where they are in their career. Once they have kids, these qualities don’t just go away. In fact, for many, they intensify. The expectations and standards we put on ourselves in both our professional lives and our personal lives are at a level so high that we either feel like we are failing if we aren’t meeting them or we are overwhelmed and exhausted if we are (or at least trying to).
Tonight I am practicing compassion…on myself. My husband can tell me until he’s blue in the fact how great of job he thinks I am doing (which I appreciate) and I know that if I called my best friend right now and told her about my day she would also have compassion. But most importantly is that I cut myself some slack. I know that if I did (or didn’t do) all those things I listed above day after day that I would not be where I want to be in life. But I also know that it’s okay to have a day when the TV is on more and you aren’t as interested in playing with the kids and the dinner is just a simple meal on the table and you don’t get done more for work and you eat some sweets and the house doesn’t look so clean.
Tomorrow is a new day and I am doing the best I can. Now it’s time to cut myself some slack with a glass of wine!
Tips for practicing compassion in your own life:
Consider whether you are trying to be SUPERMOM and what exactly that looks like to you. Is it time to redefine success in your life and create an image of SUPERMOM that is much more manageable (and fun)?
When you find yourself beating yourself up for something you did or didn’t do, ask yourself, “Is there anything I can do about it now?” If not, move on. If so, make a plan to do it different from that point on.
Determine whether the thing (or things) you are beating yourself up for are every-once-in-awhile things or actual bad habits that you want to change. If they are habits you want to change, make a plan and ask for help in sticking to it.
Play the “what would I say to my best friend” game. If you find you would be understanding and compassionate to your best friend if they were in the same situation then you know you are being too hard on yourself.
Consider what you are modeling for your kids. If you don’t cut yourself any slack then don’t be surprised if you notice your own children being extra hard on themselves.
I’d love to hear your thoughts about being compassionate with yourself. Do you find it easy or challenging? Any additional tips on how to practice more self compassion?
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There seems to be a reoccurring theme amongst the working moms I’ve been talking with these days. Seems as if a number of us are feeling the intense pressure of trying to do it all, and do it all with very high expectations of ourselves.
I’ll admit it. I found myself wishing for a pause button earlier this week as I was in tears saying to my husband that I just can’t do it all. Yep. Even I, the coach who helps moms in business decrease their stress so they can feel more successful at work and home, is admitting that I have moments when I feel overwhelmed and under-appreciated.
Here are three steps to help turn those moments of complete anxiety into opportunities for a reprieve.
1) Allow the feelings, without judgement. You feel the way you feel. There may or may not be rationale reasons. Although there may be. Yes, you may be PMSing or exhausted from being up with the baby at night, but that doesn’t mean that how you feel isn’t legitimate and warranted. Yes, women do it all the time — many making it all look seamless and easy, but I can guarantee that they too have times when they feel like it’s all just too much. It’s how you feel. That’s enough. And allowing the feeling of anxiety and overwhelm to move through (and out) of your body will actually feel better in the end. Trying hard to keep it “under control” or judging that it’s bad only makes it worse.
2) Accept and honor your role as the mother. Let’s be honest. There is a reason why women are the moms. We think differently, feel differently, respond differently, and we all have a very wise mother within (some are able to access theirs a bit easier then others) who knows on a very intuitive level what our kids need. This is an honorable role. This role also comes with tremendous responsibility (and often-times feeling of burden). Your husband can not fill or match that role. Neither can your child care provider, child’s teacher or your mother-in-law. I find that when I can honor and truly accept the role of THE MOM instead of wishing it were different or feeling resentful that my husband just doesn’t understand, I feel much more empowered and positive.
3) Get clear about what you need and then ASK for it. If you are lucky enough to have a husband such as I do who will actually ask you what you need to get through the tough times — the times when you just want to push the pause button, please, on motherhood – you better be ready to answer. If you aren’t directly asked, you can still get what you need by knowing and asking those around you for help. Whether it’s a day at home with no one else in the house, thirty minutes to walk in the sun, additional child care support during the week, a weekend without worrying about meals (I could go on and on with ideas…), you have to be willing to ask (and receive) for the time to take a pause from being *on* all the time.
It’s okay to want a break sometimes from “doing it all”. We can have it all without having to DO it all ourselves. It’s important that we put down the SUPERMOM cape every-so-often and crumble under the pressure (or better yet, take the breaks before we crumble). We are only human and sometimes trying to manage it all — even with the best husband, the sweetest kids, the perfect job — can just feel like too much.
This is part one of a 10-part series on the various transitions of motherhood.
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As I said to my husband today, if we had anymore kids, I am not sure we’d make it.
Of course I was kidding…I think.
My husband’s been home most of this week as we’ve had my 9 year old step-daughter with us. Add on top of that a rambunctious 4 year old, a temperamental 5 week old, family visiting, putting our dog down, sleep deprivation, a lack of exercise and, needless to say, we’ve been a bit, well, um, edgy with each other lately.
Whether you just had your first, second or twelfth (God, help you) child, your relationship with your spouse is going to go through some major transitions as you adjust to life with a new baby.
A few things I need to remember myself these days in order to stay connected with my husband during this stage of Baby Bootcamp (as my husband has affectionately termed the first three months with a newborn).
Don’t take things personally.
Keep a sense of humor or find the humor whenever you can.
Ask for help (Note to self: directly versus passive-aggressively works best).
Remember that everyone is sleep deprived.
Remember that everyone is trying to figure things out and doing their best.
Even though you may not feel like it, choose to turn off the TV or computer, get into bed at the same time to snuggle, welcome each other with a kiss when you get home, hold hands or even give a nice little rear pat when you are passing by each other after a diaper change in the middle of the night (the small things do matter).
Remember that this is just a stage and there will be some point in the future when you will be able to go on a date again, will want to have sex again, will be able to finish a more interesting conversation then when the last poop was, and will be able to complete a sentence without exhaustion or frustration seeping through your tone.
Seriously, I love my husband and am thrilled to be going through this experience with him…again. There’s no one else I’d rather be doing this with.
The reality is that when you have such a major life change — such as adding a new baby to the mix — your relationship will go through some significant transitions. Expect it. Embrace it. And most importantly, laugh through it!
Well, I had expected to write more often after having the baby. I had images of me getting hit with moments of inspiration and taking a few minutes to quickly get my thoughts down and posted to this blog.
Not so much so.
I do have moments of clarity about something that I think about sharing…but taking the time to write it and post it is a total different matter.
And then the judgement kicks in…
I find that during this time — with a 2+ week old — that I feel a pull between simply enjoying the days of getting to know Colin and connecting with my other children and husband versus getting things done. It’s the never-ending practice of focusing on being versus doing.
The reality is that I am being present in many wonderful (and some not-so-wonderful) moments. Yet at the same time, I also feel better when I take some time doing what needs to be done to keep the chaos down by maintaining some of our life routines. The key is to know when it feels like the right time to do either.
I would like to believe that I am doing a good job of trusting myself as to when is the right time for me to do one or the other.
But just like many other moms out there, I found myself the other day judging what I had and hadn’t done and beating myself up a bit for not handling things better (the house, my emotions, my physical recovery, etc.).
Leave it to my own mother to call me on my own stuff.
“Is it possible you are being too hard on yourself?” she asked lovingly.
Why yes, that is entirely possible! And this time around I can see it and admit it to myself, which then allows me the opportunity to change it.
Coaches Corner: Is there something you are perhaps being too hard on yourself about? Let me know!
