Trying to force yourself into someone else’s box or path is a sure-fire way to squelch your creativity. Yes, there’s lots of great information out in the world on any topic you choose (life, love, career, business, kids, etc.), but so often I find that women get caught up in trying to find all the answers from others and feel they should ”do it” the way someone else says it should be done.
This short audio blog discusses the topic of creativity and how you can use what you learn from others to either inspire or limit it.
Okay, so it’s not really a secret. But it’s something that many, many of us have to be reminded of on a regular basis.
The key to leading your own life–on your own terms–is owning your choices and making choices every day that align with who you want to be in the world, what you want to accomplish and what your priorities are.
Often women are reluctant to really step fully into a leadership role, both personally and professionally. But when you do–when you embrace the fact that you are a strong, competent, knowing, loving, creative woman–you look at your life choices from a more strategic, big picture vantage point.
Are you getting caught up in the day-to-day details to the point that you can’t see the forest from the trees anymore?
Do you find yourself feeling like you don’t have the time, energy or money to do the things you say you want to do?
Are you making choices out of default or habit, not really thinking about whether they serve your highest good?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, there’s a good chance that you are not fully owning your leadership role in your life.
Quick Tips to Jumpstart Your Life Leadership TODAY!
Take a few moments to write down your top 3 priorities at this point in your life.
Now list 2-3 goals or things you’d like to focus on within those areas (they could even be feelings you’d like to foster).
Close your eyes and imagine yourself floating up in a hot-air balloon. As you go higher and higher, look down on your life below as it is today. Do a check-in as to what you see. What’s working? What’s not working? Consider whether this vision of life, as it is today, supports the priorities, goals and feelings you indicated earlier.
Stay hoovered above a bit longer, take some deep breaths and ask yourself, “What choices do I have before me that I could start making now to move my life vision closer to where I want it to be?”
Sit and listen to your heart, inner guiadance and Higher Spirit for a bit and then immediately right down what feels clear, present and meaningful to you.
Remember, life is about choices. YOU have control over YOUR choices. If you are making excuses for choices that you are making that aren’t working for you, you are the only person who can change that.
Want support in becoming the leader in your own life? Contact mewith your questions or comments, or to schedule a Life Leadership coaching session.
I had a great conversation with Phoenix Ries, a licensed professional counselor (and my step-mom!) who has 30 years of experience working with children and parents, as we discussed the gift you give your children, your family and yourself when you apply age-appropriate structure and routines to your childrens’ lives. We talked about the top three signs that you probably don’t have enough structure or the right structure for your children and what the long-term negative affects this can have on children as they get older.
We’ve all heard the saying before, and yet for some reason it’s so easy to forget this truth when we are busy parents.
Don’t get me wrong, I believe words speak volumes as well. However, when it comes to our most important relationships—with our spouse, our children, those we work with and for, and those who work for us—the most powerful influence is when our beliefs (what we think), words (what we say) and our actions (what we do) are aligned.
Take my children for example. I’ve been aware lately that my actions do not necessarily always communicate that which I believe is important and say to others is important—for me, my children and my family. I’ve been thinking about the fact that if my children just went by my actions (or modeling) alone they could easily be picking up on some not-so-great habits, such as:
Always putting others first, even when you are exhausted and have nothing more to give.
Expressing frustration and resentment when you keep giving to others, even when you have nothing to give.
Not taking time for self-care, such as showering, exercising, eating right and quiet time alone.
Emailing/Tweeting/Texting on the computer or phone instead of being present with whom and what is around you.
Procrastinating on that which you know needs to get done in order for life to run smoother and be more enjoyable.
Trying to do too much on your own and all at the same time.
Not clearly communicating or clarifying expectations with those around you, but then being frustrated and resentful when the expectations are not met.
Wow, as I see those in writing and contemplate how I would feel if my own children (especially my daughters) picked up these habits from my modeling, my heart sinks.
If I believe self-care is important and necessary in order to be a healthy and happy woman, what actions would model that for my children?
If I believe that taking care of myself is important so I can better care for others, what actions would model that for my children?
If I believe that it is important to be present in our relationships and spend some time each day giving our undivided attention to our key relationships—with self, spouse, children, work team—what actions would model that for my children?
If I believe that creating structure and routines around my day supports me in reaching my goals and being the type of person I want to BE in world (content, peaceful, present & productive), what actions would model that for my children?
Coaches Corner:
Think about modeling in terms of your life. Take a few minutes to reflect as to what you are currently modeling for your children in terms of the most important areas of your life: self-care, relationships, money, career, inner peace, etc.
If your children learned just from your actions alone, what not-so-great (i.e. bad) habits would they be picking up?
What are you saying to them through your actions (or inactions)?
How would you feel if your children started doing (or not doing) these same things–tomorrow, five years from now or when they are adults?
Ever have one of those days (maybe even weeks) when you feel like you are just barely holding on. Just barely holding it all together. Just on the verge of losing it. Afraid that if you just let your guard down for one moment that the flood-gates will open, chaos will implode, and you will never be able to pick up the pieces?
When you are in SUPER WOMAN mode–taking care of the kids; managing the house; trying to be a loving wife; oh, and running and leading a business–it’s easy for your guard to go up, your emotions to go numb, and your drive to hold it all together to kick into high gear.
How do I know this? Um….been there. Like, yesterday.
After five days of my in-laws in town at the same time that my husband was in the middle of a big work project, my own work projects in progress, the baby teething and then getting a cold and then finally me getting a cold, I was done. D. O. N. E. DONE. I needed a break. I wanted to just let go of all responsibilities, even for just a few short hours.
But the voice of perfectionism and guilt and self-judgement jumped in and told me that I should’t be exhausted, I shouldn’t be anxious, I shouldn’t be needing a break. Instead, I should keep going, I should clean the house, I should get more work done, I should make a home-made meal, I should do the dishes. Should…should…should.
Sometimes the pressure to do it all and do it all well and to keep it all together (actually, more like LOOK like I have it all together) becomes so intense that I fear if I really just admit how I am feeling, if I give way to my emotions even just a bit, if I get pushed just a little bit more, that all hell is going to break loose.
What will happen if I fall apart? What will happen if I take a mental (self-love) day? What will happen if I don’t make dinner tonight? What will happen if I tell a client I need to push back some deliverables or move a meeting? What will happen if I just stop, even for a few hours, and not DO anything?
What will happen? Life will go on. My kids will be just fine. My husband will understand. My business will still be successful. My friends will love me even more for being real and honest and not perfect.
So let this be a reminder that as we practice masterfully blending career and kids, life and love, work and play, that it’s okay for it to not always be pretty or perfect or complete. It’s okay to tell others that you’ve had enough. That you need a break. That juggling and blending and balancing work you love and a family you adore can be challenging and messy and exhausting. Share that side with those around you so that they can support you when you need a break from holding it all together.
I am sure I am not the only one who finds themselves frustrated by the constant nagging that can occur when one has a child (or two) whom you are trying to get up and out the door in the morning or sitting down for dinner or to bed at night.
Today I decided to get creative with my nearly five year old daughter after another morning battle around getting dressed. She responds well to visual direction and reminders (she’s her mother’s daughter). We used pictures and award charts for things in the past like staying in her bed, using the potty at night and most recently when she decided she wanted help to stop sucking her thumb.
This morning she and I sat down together and in 20 minutes created the below job chart for her morning, evening and bedtime routines. From now on, rather then me repeatedly reminding or nagging her to go get dressed or put the napkins out or brush her teeth, I’ve told her that instead I will simply ask her what is next on her chart.
It’s now on the refrigerator and she is eagerly awaiting dinnertime so she can use it.
As a leader in both your work and your home it’s important to think outside the box, get out of your head, stop doing the same thing over and over if it’s not working and get creative about solving your everyday challenges. I am sure that this job chart will not eliminate all nagging from my house, but I love the fact that my daughter and I sat down together and came up with a plan so that she can feel more excited and successful about what she is supposed to do and I can feel less stressed about getting her to do it.
Coaches Corner:
Think about a specific challenge you have on a regular basis with your kids. Brainstorm some ideas with your children if they are old enough about how you can work together to come up with a solution. If you are stumped or your kids aren’t old enough to have the discussion with, submit your challenge to me and I’ll give you some ideas in a future blog post.
What a fun cookbook this is! Being a busy, working mom means getting yummy foods on the table and into my family’s mouths can be an on-going challenge.
As I’ve shared before, my husband and I set a menu for each week and shop only one time a week for our groceries. A common question in our house each week is, “What should we add to the menu?” We are constantly looking for new, easy, affordable recipes to try out.
I was thrilled to get my hands on a copy of this new cookbook by Lara Starr (with Lynette Shirk). Not only does the book, The Frugal Foodie Cookbook: Waste-Not Recipes for the Wise Cook, have some great recipes, but the entire book is written with the idea of saving money in mind. This is even more important during these economic times when many people are shopping on a budget. We’ve actually turned it into a game to see how we can reduce our weekly grocery bill and this cookbook has some helpful ideas on how to make that happen. And the best part is that the recipes are good enough for a foodie! From Mushroom and Goat Cheese Pizza to Tout le Fruit Crisp, these recipes are beyond basic mac & cheese or chicken casserole.
I love Chapter 7, Clever Kids’ Meals. There are a number of fun, easy ideas, including Edible Finger Paints and Kaleidoscope Popcorn (we made green!). I am not the most creative when it comes to meals or activities for the kids, so this is great for someone like me who needs some ideas to get my juices flowing.
This is my first reader give-away! The publisher sent me an extra copy of the book, The Frugal Foodie: Waste-Not Recipes for the Wise Cook, to give away to one lucky winner. All you have to do is post a comment about what your biggest challenge is when it comes to feeding your family. I’ll be randomly choosing a winner at 5:00 p.m. PT on Thursday, December 31, 2009.
During this time of year, it is common to hear people comment about needing to “just get through” the holidays due to the added stress of shopping, decorating, planning, attending and hosting parties, family visiting and traveling. But what about focusing more on enjoying the holidays and less on “getting through” them?
Before things get too crazy, consider 10 tips for calming the chaos of the season so that you can enjoy the holidays more and stress less.
1. Slow down. Have you been one to say, “I just need to get through this month?” If so, stop what you are doing right now and think about how that feels. Slow the pace down, even just a bit, and recognize that you have control over how the next month goes.
2. Breathe. Now that you’ve decided to slow down, it’s important that you actually breathe. Whenever you feel the pressure increase or the negative thinking appear, take three deep breaths and remember that you get to choose whether these days feel crazy or enjoyable.
3. Get clear about what the purpose of the season is for you. Is it to give gifts or get gifts? Is it to honor your religious traditions? To connect with family and friends? To rejoice in life? Connect to what this time of year really means to you. Hold that purpose in the forefront of your mind as you make decisions about what gifts to buy for whom and which events to say yes to attending.
4. Set your intention as to how you want to BE this season. Now that you know what the purpose of the season is for you, declare how you want to be. Do you want to be joyful, peaceful, inspired, or connected? Or do you want to be stressed, grumpy, frazzled, or distracted? There may be some family or work obligations that you feel you just can’t say no to. However, you can choose how you will show up and what you will put out into the world. Choose wisely, as we attract what we project.
5. Focus more on the “I want to’s” and less on the “I should do’s”. Many of us operate out of obligation, whether we know it or not. Make a list of all the things on your plate this month. Next to each item mark whether you really want to do it or you think you should do it. If you don’t like to do it and you don’t want to do it, challenge yourself to strike it from your list.
6. Simplify. You don’t have to do it all; and you don’t have to do it all perfectly. Streamline your plans; shorten your gift-giving list; ask for help; eliminate the excess.
7. Set gift-giving guidelines. This goes hand-in-hand with the idea of simplifying. When you figure out what you want to do and determine how you are going to go about doing it, you simplify the entire gift-giving process. Agree with the relatives that you will exchange only one toy per child. Discuss the idea of doing something with family instead of exchanging gifts that no one wants. Determine how much money you want to spend based on your budget before you begin shopping. Go in with a plan and the process will feel easier and more enjoyable.
8. Shoot for connection, not perfection. When we get caught up in doing it “just so” we all too often are focused on the wrong things. Whether you are decorating the tree, making a holiday meal with your mother-in-law, picking out gifts, or ordering the holiday cards, what is important is the connection you are making with the person or people involved. Let your child hang the ornament wherever he likes, use the time in the kitchen to ask your mother-in-law about her youth, pick out a gift for someone from your heart, and consider what you want those receiving your holiday card to feel when they open it. Whether any of those things turn out perfect is less important then the memory you are creating and the relationship you are nurturing.
9. Give a gift to yourself. This is the season for caring, sharing, and loving. Why not turn a bit of that in your own direction? Instead of waiting for someone else to get you the perfect gift, why not give it to yourself? I am not talking about a material gift, although maybe that would be nice as well. Instead, I am talking about the gift of time. Give yourself some time to slow down, breath, relax, and rejuvenate. It’s the gift that will keep on giving as you will feel more positive and energetic and better able to enjoy the holidays.
10. And did I mention slow down and breathe?
***This is a re-post of an article written and shared in previous years. Since I get such a positive response each time, I thought it was worth offering again.
If I had a dollar for every time I heard a busy, working mom say she wishes she had more time for herself, I’d be up there at the top of the Forbes Wealthiest People list.
Honestly, I’d be one of those moms contributing a few dollars myself.
The truth is that we have the choice of whether we dedicate some of our time to our own self-love and self-care or not. We are the primary obstacle in our own way of having the time for ourselves. We are saying YES to so many other things that by default we end up saying NO to our own self-care.
Even if you are super busy working, parenting, managing life and relationships, if you really wanted some time to focus on YOU and your needs, I know you could find it. It’s going to require you to say NO to some other things and YES to your own self-love. Are you up for the challenge
Weekly Coaching Challenge: Dedicate 30 minutes each day to YOUR self-love and self-care. This requires you to *choose* YOU instead of something else.
Example: last night I read a book in a hot bath instead of getting on the computer. It was 30 minutes of relaxation that did not require me to think, do or be anything for anyone else. I slept GREAT afterwards! Share what self-love/self-care choices you make this week.
If you don’t think this is possible or you feel unable to do this, let me know! I’d love to hear (and challenge) your reasons why. Remember that life is a series of choices. The more conscious and deliberate you are with making choices that support your priorities, the happy and more peaceful you will feel.
I am a compassionate person. I know I am. If my best friend called me right now and told me about the frustrations of her day or her insecurities about herself as a mother or business professional, I’d be the first to tell her I know she’s doing an excellent job — the best she can — and that she is being too hard on herself.
But today was one of those days when having compassion for myself was not so easy. In fact, I have a whole long list of things I should or shouldn’t have done.
I shouldn’t have let me daughter watch so much TV.
I should have come up with a creative project to do with my daughter.
I should have interacted more with the baby.
I shouldn’t have laid down for that 20 minute nap.
I should have been more focused during the brief amount of time I had for work.
I shouldn’t have eaten that pumpkin bread…or those cookies…or the rest of my daughter’s cookie.
I should have written a blog entry yesterday, and the day before, and the day before.
I shouldn’t have spent that money on the pumpkin bread and cookie we didn’t need.
I should have made a better dinner.
I should have gotten the house tidied up.
Ok, you get the picture. I’ve been “shoulding” on myself all day long. Not to mention I haven’t been cutting myself any slack. And what I have found is that I am not alone.
I was talking with a high-level executive with a large company the other day who was beating herself up for all that she hasn’t done in her job over the past year since having twins. She returned from maternity leave with the plan to be SUPERMOM. She would continue operating in her fast-paced position as she had before kids, while at the same time being the perfect mom and wife. Not surprisingly, she was completely overwhelmed and feeling terrible about where she was in her career.
Although we identified some concrete steps for her to take to communicate honestly with her boss about how she was feeling, regain her focus in her current job, potentially begin looking for a new job that was more family-friendly and she enjoyed more, the first thing I asked her to do was have some compassion for herself. She had survived the first year of life with twins and was feeling good about her role as a mother and still had a strong marriage to speak of. She’s obviously been doing some things right and, I am convinced, doing the best she could.
When I asked her what she would tell her best friend if she had been in the same situation, she knew immediately that she would tell her she’s been doing a great job and that perhaps she has too high of expectations for herself.
So why is it that we can so easily and effortlessly provide compassion for those around us, but not for ourselves?
I work with women who are high-achieving, successful, productive, competent, professional and driven. Up until the point they have kids, these qualities have gotten them where they are in their career. Once they have kids, these qualities don’t just go away. In fact, for many, they intensify. The expectations and standards we put on ourselves in both our professional lives and our personal lives are at a level so high that we either feel like we are failing if we aren’t meeting them or we are overwhelmed and exhausted if we are (or at least trying to).
Tonight I am practicing compassion…on myself. My husband can tell me until he’s blue in the fact how great of job he thinks I am doing (which I appreciate) and I know that if I called my best friend right now and told her about my day she would also have compassion. But most importantly is that I cut myself some slack. I know that if I did (or didn’t do) all those things I listed above day after day that I would not be where I want to be in life. But I also know that it’s okay to have a day when the TV is on more and you aren’t as interested in playing with the kids and the dinner is just a simple meal on the table and you don’t get done more for work and you eat some sweets and the house doesn’t look so clean.
Tomorrow is a new day and I am doing the best I can. Now it’s time to cut myself some slack with a glass of wine!
Tips for practicing compassion in your own life:
Consider whether you are trying to be SUPERMOM and what exactly that looks like to you. Is it time to redefine success in your life and create an image of SUPERMOM that is much more manageable (and fun)?
When you find yourself beating yourself up for something you did or didn’t do, ask yourself, “Is there anything I can do about it now?” If not, move on. If so, make a plan to do it different from that point on.
Determine whether the thing (or things) you are beating yourself up for are every-once-in-awhile things or actual bad habits that you want to change. If they are habits you want to change, make a plan and ask for help in sticking to it.
Play the “what would I say to my best friend” game. If you find you would be understanding and compassionate to your best friend if they were in the same situation then you know you are being too hard on yourself.
Consider what you are modeling for your kids. If you don’t cut yourself any slack then don’t be surprised if you notice your own children being extra hard on themselves.
I’d love to hear your thoughts about being compassionate with yourself. Do you find it easy or challenging? Any additional tips on how to practice more self compassion?
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What a fun cookbook this is! Being a busy, working mom means getting yummy foods on the table and into my family’s mouths can be an on-going challenge.